Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Stop Wailing!

Hi, Everyone,

It's been awhile since I've seen you all and the markets are still jumping up and down, so I think I'll pick another topic besides finance for this post.  You know my thoughts on polar bears, but where does the Kernal stand on whales?

Whales are NOT our friends.  Just ask the Digital Architect.  When he was still in high school we had an attractive but totally soaked young lady come to our door in a rainstorm and ask us to help her "save the whales."  We invited her in to towel off, and as she was doing so we explained several things about whales that she perhaps had not known:

1.  Whales are the dinosaurs that escaped into the ocean after that huge comet hit Earth.  They are one of only two fish-like mammals that live in the ocean, the other being dolphins.  By escaping into the water, they survived the extinction of their fellow dinosaurs.  This explains why they are so huge, just like their dead brothers were.

2.  Whales cause more international disputes than any other animal.  Brazil, Japan, American Eskimos, Russians, Iceland and others are continually arguing over which of them has a need and the right to "harvest" whales.  Add Greenpeace to that mixture and there is continuing strife at sea.

3.  Whales are the largest single polluters of the oceans.  Baby whales are born weighing one ton or more and they double their length in one year.  Adult Right Whales grow to up to 60 feet long and weigh up to 80 tons!  Now just how much do you think these beasts have to eat to support that kind of growth and weight?  The resulting waste products sink to the bottom of the sea, bringing forth our common expression, "lower than whale poop..."  Lots of it.

4.  Whales do not like humans.  Didn't you read Moby Dick?  Not only do they not like us, they are also involved in a plot to return to dry land now that the comet dust has cleared.  That's why you often hear or read about a bunch of whales who beach themselves on our shores.  Here is a picture of a platoon of them trying to sneak ashore. They're baaaack!

5.  Finally, whales provide the pretext for the ecoterrorists who wish to prevent the U.S. Navy from training and commercial shipping from doing its job efficiently.  Just last week, the U.S. Supreme Court was asked to rule on the NOAA regulation that says that all shipping arriving in this country must slow to 11.5 MPH within 20 miles of our coastline.  The "Save the Whales " crowd wants that limit moved out to 30 miles from the coast.  Why?

Because only 83% of the whale sightings occur within 20 miles from the coast, while 90% occur within 30 miles.  So, they asking for a 50% increase in slower, more inefficient shipping to gain a 7% increase in whale sightings.  Will this help "save the whales?"  Nope.

For two reasons.  First, since NOAA started the 20 mile limit in 2006, there have been a grand total of 3 whales who have been struck by ships and were killed.  Three whales in two years!  Now there's a crisis!  

Second, no one has yet shown that the ships struck the whales rather than the whales struck the ships.  Remember, whales do not like people.  Remember Jonah and remember Pinocchio! It is said that the whales are too slow to ram ships, yet we have pictures of these 80 ton ex-dinosaurs leaping out of the water higher than Michael Jordan ever could.  They don't look so slow to me.

On the West Coast, the Whale People want the Navy to stop training on the use of new sonar which will detect the very quiet diesel submarines which have been developed by the Chinese and North Koreans.  The Whale People claim that their huge friends become disoriented by the sounds of the sonar and head for the shore to become stranded and die.  That platoon you saw on the beach didn't look very disoriented to me - they were in an attack formation!

They obviously have forgotten that the whales are intentionally coming ashore, usually in the dead of night, to see how far inland they can get before dawn.  That also explains why you read about the occasional whale or two found swimming well upstream in someone's river.  They are the scouts, looking for a place where the rest of the whales can land, hide and rest while learning to walk again.  They're baaaack!

Perhaps the most telling comment to come out of the Supremes last week was from Justice  Stephen Breyer:

"I don't know anything about this.  I'm not a naval officer.  Why couldn't you work this thing out?  You're asking us - who know nothing about whales and less about the military - to start reading all these documents to try to figure out who's right... I think the whole point of the armed forces is to hurt the environment...On a bombing mission, do they have to prepare an  environmental impact statement first?"

Well, despite his proper concern with the weirdo arguments of the Whale People, I found the good Justice's knowledge of the military and its mission to be just a wee bit disconcerting.

Beware of people who want you to love polar bears and whales.  You'll be safer and glad if you exercise that caution.  And if you hear something big flopping around in your back yard, don't turn on the lights to take a look...

There is some high ground somewhere near you.  Know where it is.


The Queen Vee said...

This is a WHALE of a post. I'm wailing from the length of it but I read it. I'm sure your loyal fans will get a whale of a laugh....thar he blows!

Anonymous said...

ROFLOL, now that was great. However, being a member of Greenpeace and Save the white fluff ball bear; then here I go. Did you not know that people with swimmings pools are the vangard of
the underground railroad for whales. We who have pools assist in any way possible to allow the whale safe overnight haven or really overday haven, since they travel at night.
So once again Kernal we have reached an impass on animal/mammal/bird and whatever creature is out there like Nessie or the snowman. We shell protect them with all our power and might. I still say in any case of doubt head south to Texas they hate the heat and flat land. This is better then high ground. Jean

Unknown said...

oh my. I got stuck on the whale poop part ...

Unknown said...

Platoons of whales coming ashore, underground railroads in the form of family pools, I am not sure what to do. I realize that there is a full moon out and it does affect folks in odd ways. Guess I had better keep a closer eye on the backyard and pool.

Apis Melliflora said...

Ah, this post is classic Kernal Ken. With each sentence, I'm giggling more and more.

The only thing that's missing here is an inspired whale poem. I know it's in ya, Ken!

Thanks for the laughter!

Crazy Granny said...

I think we should call this blog Moby Ken. I still like whales and feel bad about the whale plight. I'm thinking of having a couple of them over for dinner tonight. Oh wait, maybe that was the Elders. Whale, I think I'll go for now.

Suzanne C said...

So, would this be considered a fishy or "mammaly" post? Too funny~

Megan Of Parker said...

Ha Ha! You are so wrong...kind of. Dugongs and Manatees also live in the oceans. So 4 species not just 2. But they are pretty ugly so I can see why you would exclude them.